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A Walk Through The Garden Of Man's Desire

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I will be without the interweb for a few days. Due to lack of bill payment our phone will be shut off until thursday when father gets paid next. no phone line equals no Internet and so on...

Dj and I are discussing the possibility of him coming up her to visit for thanksgiving. Our conversations are getting longer and more frequent as time passes but I am still unsure if an actual relationship is on the horizon. Honestly, I do not think I am ready to commit to anyone. I need to find stability in my own life before I can find stability in a relationship. Even though I detest being alone I think I need to focus on me before I go throwing myself blindly into another relationship. Cory has also tried to reenter my life and honestly,I wonder if he is trying to rekindle a friendship between us. I am not sure how to take this. I deleted his number from my phone and up until now had no interest in continuing to be in contact with him. I have serious doubts of anything ever reforming even if the only thing that can reform is a friendship but time will tell as it always does. All that I will say is that I no longer dispose his existence but do i ever see us being in a relationship again.? NO. I refuse to make someone appear as they are my sole reason for existing as I have done in past relationships. In other news I also picked up three tickets for ghost in Ohio yesterday and from what I hear it will be amazing. Speaking of amazing. I am currently reading a wonderful book called The Wormwood file which is based on the Screwtape letters by C.S. Lewis. The book documents correspondence between two demons. Wormwood is giving advice via email to a fledgling demon named Greasebeek who is trying to condemn his charge or client as he is called in the book to the depths of hell. Pretty interesting Indeed.Well I must call it a night and say goodbye to livejournal land.
Bottled Emotion:
cynical cynical
Background Score:
Marilyn Manson- Get your Gunn
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The interview at Movie gallery went surprisingly well .Apparently, it was a prescreening and my name and contact information was passed on to the woman that is doing the actual hiring but none the less the lady said I should be receiving a call sometime within the next week "so stay by the phone" end quote. She told me about all the policies and seemed to approve of my answers to the questions that were asked so I think the job is pretty much in the bag. She also commented on my star wars belt. I still intend on attending orientation for vocational rehabilitation next Thursday as a back up plan.


In other news, I received a call from Kim tonight saying that the ex-boyfriend and best friend of our friend Daniel died last night (Wednesday night) in a car accident. Matt was only seventeen and was killed on impact. although, I only had the pleasure of talking to him once at OYP I could tell the happiness he brought to Daniel's life and the positive impact that he left as well. A comment was made to Daniel about "knowing where Matt was going" insinuating that matt was going to hell because he is gay. this comment saddens me a great deal not only is it complete and utter bullshit in my opinion but also it insults someone who cannot defend themselves. I believe that whatever higher power we wish to watch over us is all loving and does not discriminate due to sex, race, or sexual orientation .saying god hates someone because they are gay is like saying "I'm sorry God doesn't love you because you have blue eyes but he loves everyone else unconditionally" Homosexual or not Matt will be missed by a lot of people.
Crypt:
The Midnight Spookshow
Bottled Emotion:
sad sad
Background Score:
The Dresden Dolls- Girl anachroism
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Well, around 6:30 Tomorrow (Thursday, since I have yet to go to bed) I will be leaving for my interview at Movie Gallery. I am slightly nervous but confident that I will get the job. The Job has it's pros and cons. It pays minimum wage which is 5.15 and I will only be getting ten to 20 hours a week but a part time job will allow me to have time to study for my GED and go over the drivers' licence booklet. It will also allow me to save up a little cash without having the physical stress of a full time job. Once I get my GED I plan on looking for a higher paying job. Jobs that pay well are difficult to find when you do not have a high school education let alone mobility issues so I feel I am being realistic.If hired, I will also have to either remove or put retainers in my piercings which isn't as big of an issue as it used to be. I watched the ring two today which surprisingly was not as bad as most of my friends have made it out to be. Eventually, I will get to sit down and watch Ringu which is the original Japanese versions of the films. I will more then likely prefer the Japanese versions as American horror has become repetitive but yet still addicting over the past few years.Well, I am sitting here yawning so I believe it is time for me to say my Goodbyes...

And for those who may be interested in attending here is more information on the Ghosts in Ohio event:

6:30 PM - 8:30 PM The Ghosts of Ohio
Contact: Nora Roughen 937-642-1876 x 36 nroughen@marysvillelib.org
Join us for The Ghosts of Ohio! James Willis, paranormal investigator and founder of Ohio-Based The Ghosts of Ohio will discuss local and regional hauntings and de-bunk some ghost myths! There will be plenty of time for questions and answers! Join us at Veterans' Memorial Auditorium, 233 W. 6th St. Marysville, OH 43040 This is a free program, but a ticket is required for entry! Stop in to the Marysville Public Library or Raymond Branch for your ticket beginning Sept 14. Tickets are limited!
Location: Main Library
Crypt:
The Horrorshow
Bottled Emotion:
anxious anxious
Background Score:
Queen- Good ol'fashioned Lover Boy
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AS you can see I deleted the last two journal entries I have posted. For some reason or another I feel as though i have not been true to myself in the past few days. Maybe I can chalk it up to nothing more then unbalanced Hormones due to PMS or maybe it's stress from the Nancy situation unfolding .Truth is I'm scared shitless of failing. For the first time I am seeing that for every action there is an equal or lesser reaction similar to the first law of alchemy which states for human kind to gain anything, something of equal value must be given in exchange. I've been slipping by for the past two years barely putting energy into any projects I was working on and now I fully understand why my life has been so chaotic and empty. I always felt like I had someone i had to live up to that if I gave up and ran back home I would be failing,I threw myself into a lot of the situations I am now trying to escape because in some way or another I craved the attention I was getting regardless if it was negative or postive it was attention none the less. These realizations sadden me but give me the will to improve myself and become the person I wish to be .I had to lose everything to gain self worth I suppose. I guess what made me realize I actually meant something to someone was when I was in Arlington and I was talking to Josh on the phone and I could hear stevie in the other room talking to DJ about the situation and then the conversation we had the next day about the choices I made it my life. I didn't like what he had to say because it was the truth. Now when i look back on it it's clear that Stevie was one of the few people I had that was willing to tell me the truth regardless if it hurt me or not. He said he wanted to send me away on the right track and I think he's kept his word. Another thing that has helped me make the changes I have recently made are my parents and how sometimes late at night my mother will look over at me and say "I love you" which is something I never received when I was living with them before and I think that contributed to my need for attention.


Anyway, here is a little update on the goings on in my life as of late. I dropped my application off at hot topic a few days ago as you may have read in the previously deleted entries. Unfortunately, they just hired two new people at the Hot Topic in Marion but i am hoping that there will be an opening sometime around Christmas. I have also submitted an application online for CVS pharmacy and Walmart but have yet to receive a call for either job. Fear not for I have turned in my application for Movie Gallery today and upon speaking with the hiring manager I have an interview Thursday Night at seven O'clock! Fuck yeah little Pigeons is all I have to say on that issue and perhaps, shop smart shop S-mart. I also received an email from the Bella Morte Street Team saying "welcome to the Team." WOO HOO excited, YESSS? you bet. I called DJ and Stevie immediately.My father still insists on taking me to IFORCE which is the staffing agency that helped him get his job at Honda. I may see how well the interview at Movie Gallery goes first. If all else fails I still plan on attending the Vocational rehabilitation orientation on the fifteenth to see if they can help me get my GED and possible employment if I have yet to find a job. I ordered a book on GED mathematics from the library but when I asked if it came in today they said it was still in transaction. I also picked up a flyer for something they are holding at the Veteran's center here in Marysville on Oct twenty-seventh called Ghost of Ohio which seems worth checking out. Well, I think I may head to bed or watch the copy of The ring two that I picked up today

This Ends our broadcast Session
-Spookshow
Crypt:
The house on haunted Hill
Bottled Emotion:
contemplative contemplative
Background Score:
Bella Morte-Regret
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Surprisingly, I was awaked by my mother coming into my room and saying you got your check from the gas company in the mail today and then in her usual satire she asked if I planned to get up before the bank closes?" I dragged myself out of bed took a quick shower, used a little of the old Hello Kitty tooth paste, got dressed and headed out to take care of my business. The first stop we made was at the bank. I wanted to open a bank account so that the temptation of having money in my hands could be avoided. Originally, we were discussing opening a savings account so that the money could gain interest but the woman at the bank I spoke to said it would be better to get a checking account because I would be fined 2 dollars a month until I was able to deposit two hundred into the savings account whereas the checking account would not have a fee. I decided that it would be better to go with the checking account until I find a job and then open up a savings account. I figure if I put at least ten to twenty dollars a paycheck into the bank each paycheck I'll have a sufficient amount of money saved up by the end of next year to spend on what I deem fit. I feel a milanky bit more official today. Tomorrow I am headed to Marion to drop off my application at the hot topic there as well as apply at the Halloween store. I am really optimistic about both jobs but if all else fails I will have voc rehab to fall back on. I bought a new pair of pants today to wear for tomorrow. They are black with gray skulls. I intended to wear them under my checkered skirt but until I can adjust the sizing of the skirt a bit further that will not be happening as it is to small. So I'm going to walk in there wearing my new pants, black lace shirt, boots, a smile and hope for the best. Hopefully the smile will look more sweet and innocent instead of my best "here's johnny" impression. I may also get an application for Spencer's gifts while at the mall. Wish me luck.
Crypt:
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe..
Bottled Emotion:
pleased pleased
Background Score:
Alien Sex Fiend- Comatose
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I spent most of Today out and about. My father gets paid on Thursdays so we drove to Honda to pick up his paycheck. Then when made our way over to the DMV so that I could pick up the study booklet to get my licence and we also got the paperwork for a handicap placard which will help mom and I a great deal so we do not have to walk as far. I also plan on getting an Ohio identification card as soon as possible. They are currently only eight dollars. I purchased a septum retainer off of body punks today to aid in my job hunt. they were only three dollars and since Just for you is currently out of them and Hot Topic does not carry them I say it's a good deal. I'll have to send the money order out tomorrow when we are out and about. I need to go to the post office anyway to buy stamps so that I can send a letter to Rudy. Hopefully, I'll have his book of poems and care package out to him before his birthday. I talked to his little sister today Via AIM and she seems to be doing well. Her and Justin are now dating. He is a good kid so I'm not so worried. After a milanky bit to eat we stopped at Movie Gallery so that I could get an application. I had my dad go in as I am sure that wearing a shirt that says "it's national be nice to a loser day" would not get me hired. Kristina was thankfully the only one that seemed to be working and gave my dad the application with an added "tell her I said Hi" It rained all day just like it has for the past few days. This weather makes me sleepy and I took advantage of that fact when I got home tonight. I took a Two hour nap after reading the first chapter of Dead Men Haunt. Eventful Day wasn't it?
Crypt:
The Hanging Garden
Bottled Emotion:
calm calm
Background Score:
Current 93- Lucifer over London
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The lump was in fact a tumor but it was fortunately a benign one which is a great relief. It has been removed and the doctors said that things should return to normally over the next few days with a warning to not be so "Aggressive" The roved the Tumor via cough technique which causes the area to tense up similar to doing a kegel exercise. One Snip and it was done. Luckily she had taken pain killers prior to this. I am really glad Kim is Ok and that it wasn't really serious granted having a tumor of any kind is serious but at least it was not cancerous. Things seem to be looking up for her and I hope they stay that way. We have had our Fall outs in the past but there is no such thing as a good friendship without a few verbal slug fests. I value her honesty as it is a trait few people I have come in contact with possess. Well, I got the brochure for vocational rehabilitation in the mail today. I took a look at it after apprehending my mail from my mother dearest. I'm not sure if I should find it unnerving that most of the people depicted looked over the age of fifty or not. Technically, I have all of the requirements so that should be able to help me.It seems that they also offer a similar program to the one the agency for persons with disabilities offered me called assisted living. Which will help me get into a place of my own. Right now I'm just working on getting a job and finishing my education via obtaining my GED. Lately, I have been considering an Idea that Cory's mom had mentioned. She said that after I complete my GED I should try to test out of the majority of the general classes offered in the first year of college considering that I scored somewhere in the first year or so if college when I took my TABE test in every area except math. Once I get my GED I am going to start looking into Pell grants for College. I may be forced to go to a local tech school to get my first qualifications my chosen field. I am leaning towards Computer sciences and communications but I may change my mind. I also want to take a few psychology and religion classes if I can. Who knows? I need to go into town tomorrow and buy a white dress shirt as well as something suitable for the orientation as well as possible job hunting clothes. Sleep is good...
Crypt:
Over the Rainbow
Bottled Emotion:
relieved relieved
Background Score:
Combichrist-Kiss the Blade
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I finished filling out my application today for Hot Topic. I plan on taking it in sometime this week .Hopefully, I will get to drop it off sometime this week at the mall in Marion. I also intend to go apply at the Halloween store. Jesse said he saw them setting it up a few days ago. So I'm going to head over there and see if there are any positions left. I would love an opportunity to work at a store that celebrated my favorite holiday. I also filled out my voter's registration form for the state of Ohio which I have to return when my books are due.

One of my best friends and former roommate will find out if she has cancer tomorrow. She was diagnosed with pre-cervical cancer over a year ago. After experiencing cramping and swelling in what will be deemed for now as "fun land" she consulted a few family members about her symptoms which included a mysterious lump and also made an appointment with her doctor. She has a history of cancer in her family and has have had to freeze many times but due to her contracting an STD before the age of twenty one the chance of cancer becomes more and more likely. Our first theory is that it may be her hormones acting up but that completely disregards the lump factor. Her Grandmother is going to accompany here to the appointment tomorrow just in case she needs emotional support and if I had the ability to be there I would as well. It seems like every time something worth wild happens there is always something that counteracts it at the same time. I suppose the world needs balance. A light side of the force and a dark. In the words of Anthony Burgess "Life is a wretched gray Saturday, but it has to be lived through." I got my weekly email from Rudy today as well. He is doing amazing well on his mission. He recently got relocated to a town called midvile which he says is two times the size of where he was previously stationed. He apparently, gets evaluated every six months and they decided if he is to stay in one area or relocate. I told him to take lots of pictures! Well, I suppose I will end this here for now. Goodnight and Farewell.
Crypt:
Neverland
Bottled Emotion:
restless restless
Background Score:
Christian Death- Romeo's Distress
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so, I woke up early today so that I could call Oklahoma Natural Gas so that I can get the deposit I had paid when we first moved in since Kim has found herself a lovely new apartment. After being on hold for the eight to thirteen minutes that the voice recording promptly told me I would be on hold for at the beginning of the call, I was finally passed to a real life service rep. She asked for my account information and then she said I will be receiving a check for 56.01 within the next two to three weeks. It wasn't as much as I was expecting but as soon as a get the check I am taking it straight to a bank and opening an account so that I do not have the temptation to spend it right off.

I also called Vocational Rehabilitation. Vocational rehabilitation is an organization that helps people that have disabilities with finding employment and getting their education. I gave them my information and the person I spoke to said I will be receiving a letter in the mall with information about the program. Orientation for vocational rehab is on September fifteenth at one PM. i am supposed to bring some medical records to prove that I have CP to orientation so that I can be enrolled in the program.

This is the End there isn't anymore
-Spookshow
Crypt:
Gallow's Hill
Bottled Emotion:
awake awake
Background Score:
Jack Off Jill- Cinnamon spider
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Well, it would seem that I have made this journal only to neglect it. The truth is up until now I haven't felt the urge to post about every seemingly boring detail and day to day drabble that goes on in my life but why have a journal if your not gonna use it? so here goes nothing!

Today as usual was pretty darn uneventful. I got up and decided I was in dire need for a little of the good ol' Nic-o-tine. I pirated one of the glow in the dark neon-green skeletons that for some reason or another found it's home on one of the fake house plants my mother has decorating our porch. The Skelly has since found a new home amongst Miss bettie and Darth pins on my leopard print curtain. I also started putting stuff on the walls as well. I put up my Horrifics sticker, my batman symbol, and my Boris Diaz flyer. All of which are proudly displayed under cap'n Jack. The Jigsaw mask that my best friend gave me also found a home on one of the walls as well. I'm trying my best to make due with what little space I can to make my room feel more like home. After al this is the first time I've had a room to myself in a long time.

In other news I also got a response from the Bella Morte Street team saying that they are accepting applications in my area and requesting my contact information. I recently found out that Bella Morte will finally be touring in my area. They will be in Columbus on the 11th with Hanzel and Gretyl and Chud. They will be performing at Skully's Music and Diner. I also took some time and filled out an application for Hot Topic today. The plus side to working there is having the ability to modify my appearance any way I see fit. I also want to apply for the Halloween store in the mall. THAT would be a dream job but the chances at my getting a job there are slim. I am going to contact Vocational rehabilitation tomorrow and see if they can help me obtain my GED and get me a job. I asked Christina to help me get a job at the movie gallery in Marysville. She warned me that I will have to take my facial piercings out and I said that would be no problem at all as that is a requirement for most jobs these days. I need to find a clear nostril stud and retainers for both my septum and my libret. I may just buy one from the site where I got my first septum retainer.

Today was the last day that I could obtain the stuff I left at Nancy's house but due to the fact that I am about four states away at the moment I failed to due so, so more then likely all my belongs are sitting on the curb awaiting the trash man. It sucks that this is the second time in a year that I have lost everything. If anything the events over the past year have humbled me a great deal and helped cure me of any Naivety I may have had. I have recently made a large friends cut. I am no longer friends with over half the people I considered to be my friend over a year or so ago. I no longer talk to two of the men I have claimed to love unconditionally. Nor am I swaying to the beckon call of someone who shows me the first bit of positive attention. I find it strange and slightly stoic that I no longer miss their companionship. Maybe I is the fact that I have come to the realization of what real friendship is and refuse to form or have any friendships out of convenience or guilt. I felt like I had to be Nancy's friend even though we had not spoken for almost four years and that we were two completely different people now because I had known her since sixth grade .I think a lot of the reason I still continued a friendship with Cory even though he would bash me on a regular bases is because I still had feelings for him and felt obligated to be there for him because he was there for me when I needed him even though he himself was no longer the person I had once known. during our most recent conversation he had said that he was quote unquote my friend in the background and that he was there in emergencies. My response to this was that if I cannot go to someone when things are going well I cannot go to them when things are not so good and that I do not need people who deem when they wish to call my a friend and when they don't in my life. I'm trying to better myself and turn over a new leaf and I need to stay away from people who are going to drag me right back into the mess I am trying to get myself out of. I need to work on ME and not such and such that thinks they are a 900 hundred year old thunder cat (like boyfriend number six) or someone that is only my friend because they feel they have something to gain. Sorry...



No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself- Friedrich Nietzsche

On that note I think I will end this entry here.
- Spookshow <3
Crypt:
The Cemetary
Bottled Emotion:
contemplative contemplative
Background Score:
Mindless Self Indulgence - Bring The Pain
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