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A Walk Through The Garden Of Man's Desire

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just thought I would post a picture of the tattoo I got on friday. the location is on my back right below my neck. It was inspired by the misfits song we are 138 which is one of my favorite song's. the one lyrics that striked a cord with me was "it's time to be an andriod not a man" which given my current situation it fits my lifestyle.

Bottled Emotion:
accomplished accomplished
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Essay by E.L. Doctorow

Edgar Lawrence Doctorow occupies a central position in the history of American literature. Doctorow has received the National Book Award, two National Book Critics Circle Awards, the PEN/Faulkner Award, the Edith Wharton Citation for Fiction, the William Dean Howell Medal of the American Academy of Arts and Letters, and the residentially conferred National Humanities Medal.
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An Essay On Our President
by E.L. Doctorow
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I fault this president (George W. Bush) for not knowing what death is. He does not suffer the death of our twenty-one year olds who wanted to be what they could be.
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On the eve of D-day in 1944 General Eisenhower prayed to God for the lives of the young soldiers he knew were going to die. He knew what death was. Even in a justifiable war, a war not of choice but of necessity, a war of survival, the cost was almost more than Eisenhower could bear.
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But this president does not know what death is. He hasn't the mind for it. You see him joking with the press, peering under the table for the WMDs he can't seem to find, you see him at rallies strutting up to the stage in shirt sleeves to the roar of the carefully screened crowd, smiling and waving, triumphal, a he-man. He does not mourn. He doesn't understand why he should mourn. He is satisfied during the course of a speech written for him to look solemn for a moment and speak of the brave young Americans who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country.
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But you study him; you look into his eyes and know he dissembles an emotion, which he does not feel in the depths of his being because he has no capacity for it. He does not feel a personal responsibility for the thousand dead young men and women who wanted be what they could be.
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They come to his desk not as youngsters with mothers and fathers or wives and children who will suffer to the end of their days a terribly torn fabric of familial relationships and the inconsolable remembrance of aborted life....
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They come to his desk as a political liability which is why the press is not permitted to photograph the arrival of their coffins from Iraq.
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How then can he mourn? To mourn is to express regret and he regrets nothing. He does not regret that his reason for going to war was, as he knew, unsubstantiated by the facts. He does not regret that his bungled plan for the war's aftermath has made of his mission- accomplished a disaster. He does not regret that rather than controlling terrorism his war in Iraq has licensed it.
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So he never mourns for the dead and crippled youngsters who have fought this war of his choice. He wanted to go to war and he did. He had not the mind to perceive the costs of war, or to listen to those who knew those costs. He did not understand that you do not go to war when it is one of the options, but when it is the only option; you go not because you want to, but because you have to.
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This president knew it would be difficult for Americans not to cheer the overthrow of a foreign dictator. He knew that much. This president and his supporters would seem to have a mind for only one thing --- to take power, to remain in power, and to use that power for the sake of themselves and their friends. A war will do that as well as anything. You become a wartime leader. The country gets behind you. Dissent becomes inappropriate. And so he does not drop to his knees, he is not contrite, he does not sit in the church with the grieving parents and wives and children....
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He is the President who does not feel. He does not feel for the families of the dead; he does not feel for the thirty five million of us who live in poverty; he does not feel for the forty percent who cannot afford health insurance; he does not feel for the miners whose lungs are turning black or for the working people he has deprived of the chance to work overtime at time-and-a-half to pay their bills --- it is amazing for how many people in this country this President does not feel.
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But he will dissemble feeling. He will say in all sincerity he is relieving the wealthiest one percent of the population of their tax burden for the sake of the rest of us, and that he is polluting the air we breathe for the sake of our economy, and that he is decreasing the safety regulations for coal mines to save the coal miners' jobs, and that he is depriving workers of their time-and-a- half benefits for overtime because this is actually a way to honor them by raising them into the professional class.
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And this litany of lies he will versify with reverences for God and the flag and democracy, when just what he and his party are doing to our democracy is choking the life out of it.
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But there is one more terribly sad thing about all of this. I remember the millions of people here and around the world who marched against the war. It was extraordinary, that spontaneously aroused oversoul of alarm and protest that transcended national borders. Why did it happen? After all, this was not the only war anyone had ever seen coming. There are little wars all over the world most of the time.
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But the cry of protest was the appalled understanding of millions of people that America was ceding its role as the last best hope of mankind. It was their perception that the classic archetype democracy was morphing into a rogue nation. The greatest democratic republic in history was turning its back on the future, using its extraordinary power and standing not to advance the ideal of a concordance of civilizations but to endorse the kind of tribal combat that originated with the Neanderthals, a people, now extinct, who could imagine ensuring their survival by no other means than pre-emptive war. The president we get is the country we get. With each president the nation is conformed spiritually. He is the artificer of our malleable national soul. He proposes not only the laws but the kinds of lawlessness that govern our lives and invoke our responses. The people he appoints are cast in his image. The trouble they get into and get us into is his characteristic trouble.
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Finally, the media amplify his character into our moral weather report. He becomes the face of our sky, the conditions that prevail: How can we sustain ourselves as the United States of America given the stupid and ineffective war making, the constitutionally insensitive lawgiving, and the monarchal economics of this president? He cannot mourn but is a figure of such moral vacancy as to make us mourn for ourselves.
Bottled Emotion:
annoyed annoyed
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Well, it has been a while since I have had time to compose an entry. my life has been rather hectic as of late.I'm having a hard time juggling work and school.I haven't attended te last two morning classes in favor of more sleep. my body is completely wearing thin.I'm running a cash register by myself which I suppose is good other then the fact I still have to go slow and have my share of annoying mess ups. I can barely stand by the time I get off work and even then my feet are constantly hurting. I need to buy better shoes right now i'm wearing my pink and black air walks that I bought when I was working at albertsons. I NEED to get shoes with good support. Crista told me gel inserts will help out a great deal. I think the mostnerve racking momment is when my register froze. I swear I was choking back tears.

My first ever walmart paycheck is damn near spent that is except for four dollars. I was only paid for one days worth of work because I started work the day before pay period ended. I bought a black shirt with a green glow and the dark skull on it, a long sleeve shirt with glittery spiderwebs that said fright night over the leftchest area, a purple eye shadow quad, and a black glittery "eye gloss", plus a new hair cut. That's right kiddos a new haircut. I will more then likely post pictures of it soon as it is hard to discribe. It's a slanted bob which means it's shorter in the black and slants down so that the3 hair in front is longer and I now have Bangs! They are very reminecent of miss bettie's bangs but have more of a V shape to them.

I get paid a week after next and this pay check should be larger then the last.. I plan on ge3tting a new phone and also a tattoo. along with some rashins and such. All I need to do for the phone is put down the deposit which is only 150. I'm also looking to get my bat tattoo when I get paid. It's goingto be a black three to four inch bat with a 138 inside of it with red ink.Well, I'm getting drowsy again so I'm gonna end it here
Crypt:
comatose
Bottled Emotion:
blah blah
Background Score:
Alien sex Fiend- Comatose
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suprisingly, I woke up about twenty minutes before the time I had set my alarm to go off so I spent a few minutes laying there reflecting on the tasks for today. I took a shower got dressed and headed to my interview. I think I got there atleast ten minutes early but I had to wait to be taken back to the staff room regardless.My nerves with a bit wrecked but by the second interview I was calm and the woman giving the interview even commented that I didn't seem to have been nervous. I think it all went very well. I was offered a cashier position. I will be getting six fourty an hour and it will also be part time. I told them that I could not work between the hours of one and three on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays due to my GED prep classes and they said that was fine. I had to go take my drug test today which was more hectic then the job interview. The nurse at the lab wasn't the slightest bit pleasant and I had to chug down about thirty of those little cups of water before I had to use the bathroom. I had to take the pee test twice since she "didn't give me permission to go use the bathroom" even though she handed me the cup and gave me the instructions. I had to redo it because it wasn't above the line as well. This was frustrating to say the least. Hopefully, the amount I gave them will be good enough. As luck would have it when we got half way home my bladder decided to say it was full.Yeah, not very fun. We had to pull down some dirt road dso that I could pull the ol' pee behind a bush antic. I have to go into walmart tomorrow to finalize the paperwork but all is good and well and I am now employed. I also have to stop at the bank to get my pin number for my bank card because it still has not come in the mail as well as stop off at the library to turn in some books. Busy Busy...
Crypt:
The Heartbreak Hotel
Bottled Emotion:
accomplished accomplished
Background Score:
Bon Jovi- Lay your Hands on Me
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My interview with vocational rehab will be at four on tuesday which means I'll have to go to my interview as soon as my class ends. Tomorrow I have to be at my interview with walmart at ten thirty. I hope everything goes well. I went to the tattoo shop in town today to get a nostril stud so that I can easily remove my nostril jewelry. The stud looks like a shiny wart and I miss my captive ring.
Bottled Emotion:
sleepy sleepy
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I got a voicemail from walmart around 10 am this morning asking me to call them back to set a time and date for an interview. I go in for the interview on friday at ten thirty. The position they are offering is one for a cart pusher but hopefully they will take one look at and put me somewhere better or rather put me in a position I can do. I also emailed my consoler for vocational rehabilitation today to try to set up a one on one interview. I was supposed to receive a call from her monday but I may have been at the hospital when she tried to call.
Crypt:
A World so Cold
Bottled Emotion:
accomplished accomplished
Background Score:
Mudvayne-World so Cold
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It's been a few days since my last update. Right after finishing my last update I starting vomiting and my stomach flu has escalated since then. I went to riverside hospital in Columbus and after numerous tests they told me basically told me that the pain and vomiting was caused by stress and gave me some pills to control the symptoms. I slept for most of the day and have managed to keep a meal down which is a great relief as I have been running to the bathroom after every meal for the past few days to rid my stomach of it's contents. I am hoping that all the symptoms are gone by next week. I go to orientation for GED prep classes on Monday. Classes start on Tuesday and will be held every Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday from one to three in the afternoon. I am hoping to have my GED by October or early November.

The visit to riverside hospital was actually brought on by mother complaining about pain in her left leg. She said since we were already there I should get checked out as well. She has been admitted for three days. After numerous tests they discovered two clots in her leg and diagnosed her Palhimery Artery Disease. Which apparently causes blockages in ones arteries. The doctors are talking about releasing her tomorrow but we are still not sure.

One the job front there isn't really any news to report. Walmart has been checking into my references. I received a call from Stevie saying that they called him and he put in a good word. I wish I had actually gotten his call instead of him being directed to voice mail do to shitty service. I miss talking to him. Things are going really well with DJ. Things are still platonic and I am still unsure if that will ever change. On the plus side he doesn't seem to think he is some kind of mythological creature which is always a plus. I just don't think I am ready to plunge myself into another relationship especially a long distance one at that.
Crypt:
behind the cellar door
Bottled Emotion:
stressed stressed
Background Score:
The Dresden Dolls- Glass Slipper
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I am currently sitting here sipping on some honey and peppermint tea in hopes that it will make me feel even slightly less like crap. I have not managed to get a total of eight hours of sleep for the past four days. I did however manage not only to drag myself into orientation but to also sign up for GED preparation . Orientation went well and I will be receiving a call to set up a one on one appointment with my counselor. I will more then likely post more about my interview tomorrow as my mind is starting to draw a blank. Some journal entry this has turned out to be....
Crypt:
The Inside taste just like an Oreo
Bottled Emotion:
cranky cranky
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I called movie gallery to check on the process of my application and as it turns out the movie gallery where my interview was held may be closing down. Thusly, they will be overstaffed for the new store because most of the current employees will be transferring. The manager that does the hiring is awaiting further notice before she calls any more applicants. I am a tad bit more then disappointed at this point.It would have been a perfect job considering the time of year. My father restated his offer to take me to Iforce next Monday and I do still have vocational rehabilitation to look forward to and I am going to start putting in more applications online. It still is a blow as most rejection is..
Crypt:
The Soul of Misery
Bottled Emotion:
disappointed disappointed
Background Score:
Johnny cash- Thirteen (danzig Cover)
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The phone line has yet to be shut off hence my continued ability to access the interweb. one a bad note I woke up today with stomach cramps and a slight cough. It could possibly be the stomach flew that is going around and thanks to my weak immune system it has stopped in and said hello! Movie gallery has yet to call me so I am going to give them a call tomorrow to see if my application has been looked at by the hiring manager. The woman who interviewed me said that the person who does the actual hiring is rarely in town so it may take a bit for her to get back to me. Also she said that if I do not get a call this week that i should be expecting one soon due to the fact that over half of the staff hired never seem to work out. I really want this job and remain optimistic. I hope to have obtained a job within the next week and a half. I plan on going to the Orientation for vocational rehabilitation and then possibly to Viddy the Black Dahlia Movie. Hollywood and Homicide always makes for a good time for all! Well perhaps not the victims. In other news not only did I get accepted on the Bella Morte Street Team but I also was accepted by the Calabrese Paranormal society street team as well. I sent my application to the Calabrese myspace and then bobby told me to forward to it the Paranormal Society's page. I about screamed bloody murder when I got his message and then when they accepted me. Things are definitely looking up for me.



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Crypt:
The Morgue
Bottled Emotion:
sick sick
Background Score:
The MurderDolls-Die My Bride
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